Wed Jan 22

No we don't have mosquito nets but I haven’t really seen any mosquitos anyways, we just take the malaria pills to be careful.  I have seen other animals, I love how the birds look here:)  And I saw kites for the first time!  Also just today we were outside for exercise and we saw fairly large lizards with bright orange tails--although you can't really tell in the photos.  No kitties:/   I am still feeling healthy and eating/sleeping well.  Good thing I got used to sleeping sweaty when I was little;)  I have been surprised at the dislike of the heat by all of the africans--I am reveling in it.  Here is a funny little tidbit, I find it interesting that almost all of the africans like to add salt to their fruit to give it a 'sharp' taste as they say.  It isn't bad, but I still prefer to add sugar.  Also, you should tell Nana this little story.  Yesterday I told one of the teachers that I really liked her dress and that it was very beautiful and right away she replied "OH! I will give it to you before you leave!"  Just like Nana:0  I was like no!  I am not trying to steal your dress, I am sorry!  But she was insistent--what a sweetheart.  The people here are wonderful.  It is refreshing their personalities--they are not concerned about unimportant things, and are not embarrassed to be outgoing and friendly and to try to get to know everyone.  Almost none of the girls wear makeup so I fit right in, and it is just like one big family.  There were only 70 missionaries total this last batch--so it is very easy to know everyone.

Now, last week I told little stories but this week I wish to share some thoughts and I apologize now for its lengthiness and lack of organization.  I cannot believe that it has been less than two weeks and yet it feels like an eternity has passed.  My life is very different here--the life I was living is so far away from me now in every since of the word.  It is a very strange feeling.  My biggest problem so far has been my lack of confidence in my french.  I go so up and down with how I feel--sometimes completely discouraged like I don't know anything and will never get there, and other times as though I am doing really well and that I really have learned a lot.  I have received many random compliments from the French Elders just while talking with them and they tell me that my french is really good in such a sincere manner that I am really grateful, but I don't believe it.  And that is one of my biggest problems;  I put myself down about my french--I do it here, and I did it at home, and I need to stop.  I keep praying for help, and I have learned a ton, but at moments I still get discouraged when I think about how much more I have to learn.  But I shouldn't be--I should be excited!  Learning is such a blessing, and I know that everything is possible with the Lord.  During class one day I had a lot of great thoughts about being grateful for being called french speaking on my mission.  One is that I've always wanted to speak french, but the reasons for my gratitude are much more than that now.  I was bemoaning the fact that if I were just in an english class this would all be so much easier.  I am smart, I grew up in the Church, I learn quickly, I am not afraid of people, and I improvise well.  But all of these things are struggling to come through because of my lack of ability with the french language.  What I realized is that this is such a great blessing 1) because it is keeping me humble and the more humble I am the more I will rely on/can have the Spirit with me (and that is what touches peoples hearts and converts them) and 2) because it will keep me from teaching my way or with my thoughts because I will have to rely on the Lord to put words in my mouth--and so it will help me to let it always be the Lord's work and not mine.  Lastly, I realized that for whatever reason, the french "Preach my Gospel" is so much more interesting and meaningful to me.   It almost feels like I am getting to learn the Gospel all over again, and it is such a wonderful feeling and blessing.   Sadly I learned very quickly that my period is not going to be my friend while on this mission.  My tendency is to get sad and sometimes depressed and I experienced that much more than I wished to have this last week.  I didn't realize what was happening at first, but as my discouragement was getting to me I began to be less friendly than I ought to have been with others. I was thinking about myself, and when people asked me for help and I was busy I would say sorry I can't.  It made me feel terrible when I reflected on it.  The whole time I was discouraged I also felt okay about my situation so it was an odd paradox.  I know I will be fine, and I have many nice friends here and no one is working against me.  But no matter how much good advice I would give myself I couldn't shake all of the negative feelings *sigh*.  I never quit and I am good at persevering from day today so I know it will always be fine, but I was having a hard time being patient with myself.

One day I reached a peak of nonsense.  I cried every break in the bathroom to relieve myself a little bit from the stress and then would pull myself together to go back to class and give it my all again.  But I was having an especially hard time that day with one of my companions because of misunderstanding him/misinterpeting the french, and then near the end of the evening I taught a lesson with the other companion and for a plethora of reasons I ended up saying nothing.  Not a word.  I was losing myself.  I went to the bathroom to shed a few tears but one of the sisters noticed and then did the worst thing for me when I am barely holding on to myself which is to ask how I was doing.  I lost it.  I asked her to let me be, but instead I got a surprising motivating african pep-talk in the bathroom.  She asked me "How would God feel to see you right now like this?  He has called you to his work and you need to be strong.  Do you want to give in, to have Satan rejoice over you?  NO.  You need to put everything in the past and be happy and strong.  Go out there, they need you (my classmates), don't be embarrassed you will be fine soon."  I went out and was doing alright, but in the middle of the lesson my thoughts wandered back into depressing places and I lost control again and made a scene:/  Poor everyone, it was no ones fault.  The saddest thing is that there were a few moments where I felt so depressed that I just wanted to go home.  I wish I could have more faith.  And I wished I could be more devoted to being a missionary for all of the right and noble reasons--not just out of my strong sense of commitment for having chosen to do it and not wanting to go back against my word.  I need charity.  I need the pure love of Christ.

So I also found out that I was not able to leave today as planned because of my passport.  I will have to wait two more weeks so I'll be going February 4.  I took it well at first, and then I didn't, and now I have re-reconciled myself to it.  I just really wanted to leave for a while to escape how I was feeling here but that was not a good reason.  No, I feel good about it now.  There are so many possible blessings in it.  I will just join the next french district and do everything as though I had never been here before, which may feel odd, but It will be good to practice french more and to work more on my personal testimony before I am out teaching others.  Two girls from Congo, who speak only french, are coming in the next batch and will be my new roommates and that will be awesome:)  Also, I was surprised when I learned that the MTC President is actually done (today) with his two years and will be leaving.  I felt oddly sad about it--he has helped me a lot since coming here and I am very good friends with his wife Sister Graham--but I have met the new President and he and his wife are wonderful.

Again, I repeat myself in saying, wow, what a journey only 13 days has been.  It is incredible how quickly you can get to know people and come to love and care for them--and the next moment they are gone.  There are only six other missionaries still here now (part of the reason why I have so much free time to write this novel;) and I felt sad to see everyone leave, but happy to see all of their smiling excited faces as they waved goodbye.  I had even gotten to be quite close to the companion who I had some misunderstandings with earlier in the week and I will miss him.  I know that I will see them again.  (p.s. The boys from Madagascar taught me some malagash which is super cool:D)

These last few days I have thankfully returned to feeling like myself.  I have been happy again, no more crying, only hard work and hope :)  Friday was a huge help (we had a very different schedule--filled with group meetings and devotionals) and I felt so much happier in making sure that I was thinking of others again and reaching out in kindness.  I have not shown one bit of impatience towards anyone since the night I cried and I'm so grateful for it :)  I feel more myself--I am asking others how they feel and seeking out those who look lonely or stressed and trying to talk to/comfort them.  And in doing so i made so many wonderful friends, all of the people here have such sweet spirits :)

Sunday was a day packed full of being personally edified.  I watched an MTC devotional by Elder Bednar from a few years back and it was unbelievable.  It is strange to say this, but it honestly and absolutely changed how I see my entire life.  Ponder the weight of that statement.  Having the opportunity to listen to those inspired words has made coming here already completely worth it, not to mention all of the other great blessings that have already come.  Yes, I am back to myself, and now only infrequent and random moments will I be seized by about five seconds of intense fear but they pass easily.  I know that if I take things a day at a time that everything will be fine.  The french will come--and even if it never does progress past where it is right now--it is already enough.  It is enough to testify of the truth with and that is all that I need.

One thing I know for certain is that I love goodness, I love kindness, and I love love.  Even if no religion were true I would still work for peace and goodness in the world because that is a cause worth fighting for.  And I realized that that is what many wonderful people have always felt and fought for.  The phrase "world peace" sounds a little corny and cliché these days--I blame beauty pageants--but that really is what I want, and that is what unites good people everywhere.  We are all children of God--we are all so similar (even with our great cultural differences and backgrounds) and that is so easy to see if you just take the time to get to know someone.  You can love anybody if you can take the time to understand them.  That is why God is able to love all of us.

Not everyone will want to listen to me while I am on my mission, but that is okay.  I will never regret doing what I have chosen to do, because it is what God has asked of me, it will help my life and the lives of others so much, and because it has given me such an incredible appreciation for those who I know in my life that have gone and served honorable missions with all of their heart.  I admire so much the courage of my colleagues who have left with smiling faces and hearts full of faith.  I cannot comprehend the courage it takes to learn so much in such a short time and then be willing to go out and do something that is not at all easy--and really quite daunting--all for their strong personal beliefs and for the benefit of others.  It is incredible.

As it says all over the scriptures "The harvest is great and the laborers few."  I know that I have received my call to serve from a prophet of God, and that I may not know why I was called to serve here but that the Lord knows why.  This is a great blessing and a great responsibility but I am ready to work hard.  I love you all :)  And will talk to you later.

Love,

Soeur Wilson

Me with President and Sister Graham